And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
January
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.
February
Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turned out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. He would later step down as anchor after it was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, could not, in fact, fly.
Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.
50 shades of amateurs
The movie 50 Shades of Grey was released, and it had quite an effect on Western civilization. Branded merchandise like masks, handcuffs, and probably brands, could be found in the same aisles as children’s toothpaste. A U.K. hardware store chain trained its workers to be ready for an increase in sales on tape, rope and cable ties. And hospitals braced for a rise in sex injuries. A recent analysis of annual emergency visits in the U.S. collected by the Consumer Product Safety Division has found a spike (heh) in visits around when raunchy books come out, especially for foreign body removals. It was a Valentine’s Day to remember.
March
Private secretary
It was reported that while serving as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton used her personal email account for to conduct official business. The concern was that the federal government didn’t have control over her personal email address, so it couldn’t vouch for the security of those communications. She then trotted out the campaign slogan, “Hillary 2016: I Only Use SnapChat Now.”
Left to chants
A chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.
Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
A class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. The lawsuit claimed that the cheap wines had more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.
April
The mail gets through
The U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., was shut down when a gyrocopter landed nearby. The pilot was Douglas Hughes, a 61-year-old mailman from, to no one’s surprise, Florida. He was arrested immediately. The man told a local newspaper his plans days before he carried them out, but it was still news to Capitol security forces. Remember when crazy mailmen would shoot-up their workplaces? Who says the world’s not getting better?
We all report cramps after ice cream
Blue Bell Creamery announced the recall of all of its products in 20 different states after several cases of listeria were reported related to its ice cream treats. Any food safety scare can be cause for concern, but when was the last time you had ice cream and then lost 10 lbs.?
Harm city
Protesters took to the streets of Baltimore to call attention to the death of a young black man, Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody. Protests turned violent on Monday when cars and buildings were damaged and set on fire. Former Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis released a video pleading with the city’s youth to stay home and not riot. Ray Lewis. Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis. Folks, when a guy who kept secrets about a murder is calling for calm, your city is in trouble.
May
No one wants Dallas
The Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.
Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.
Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs. The actor was in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.
June
Mercifully, her name is “K” -free
Former Olympian and reality show cameo artist Bruce Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, announcing that her transition to a woman was complete, and that she now goes by Caitlyn. The cover was celebrated in the LGBT community, and panned by the people on Facebook you knew would say something stupid. But the biggest controversy to rise after Caitlyn’s transition? You guessed it, whether they’re going to rename Bruce Jenner Lane in Austin, Texas.
Truly a post-racial society
The head of an NAACP chapter in Washington state came under scrutiny after her biological parents said they are both white, and so is their daughter. Rachel Dolezal identified herself as white, black and American Indian on a city application form. She’s 37, which is odd, because usually it’s white teenagers who pretend to be black.
Love wins in split decision
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. Across the country, people were nervously looking at the sky. It turned out they were just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.
July
Ariana Grande likes frosting, hates U.S.
A video surfaced of singer Ariana Grande licking doughnuts she didn’t pay for at a doughnut shop. She then turned to a dancer she was hanging out with and said “I hate America.” Grande apologized for her actions, but it’s unclear whether people have forgiven her. To most Americans, if you mock their doughnuts and say you hate their country, you might as well have joined ISIS.
Voters like guy from that show
Despite losing deals with NBC, Univision, the PGA and Chef Jose Andres for derogatory comments made about Mexicans, Donald Trump’s polling numbers surged among Republicans early in the primary season. That makes sense. A rich, loud, old white man spouting off whatever unfounded biases come into his mind is the symbol of the Republican party. The only way his supporters would turn on him is if he said he didn’t like hot dogs as his pizza crust.
Lion low
An American dentist became the most hunted man in America after it was revealed that in Zimbabwe he illegally lured a famous lion out of a wildlife preserve and shot it. The internet collectively lost its mind over this. Walter Palmer faced possible charges in Zimbabwe, and in the U.S., the Justice Department and the Fish and Wildlife Service said they wanted to interview him. Roger Goodell has suspended him for two games, is expected to increase it to a full season if video of the incident surfaces.
August
Let’s see what celebrities are up to
It was announced that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were getting a divorce, as were Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. There was a rumor that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were getting a divorce, but that ended up not being true. Jennifer Aniston married her boyfriend, and Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposed his member when his pants split during a show. So in all, it was a big month for 1998.
A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.
The Duggar affair
Hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. The most notable member revealed was Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.
September
The audacity of pope
Pope Francis toured the U.S., beginning with three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.
Das illegal
It was discovered that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which meant it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he was uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.
Grown man takes sport too seriously
The Washington Nationals began the season with high hopes, but fell apart as the year wore on. The season’s symbol came when pitcher Jonathan Papelbon yelled at Bryce Harper for not running to a base fast enough, even choking Harper when he got back to the dugout. In a veteran move, Papelbon only used his glove hand to choke the team’s star player.
October
House wrecker
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy removed himself from consideration as the next speaker of the House. According to reports, Speaker John Boehner’s hand-picked successor received an email threatening to expose an alleged affair with Rep. Renee Ellmers. And that is called being majority whipped.
Ryan tells House he needs time with his other family
For weeks, Rep. Paul Ryan said he didn’t want to be speaker of the House. But at the insistence of his party, Ryan eventually said he would take the job, as long as Republicans agreed to his demands, including that he not have to give up any of his time with his family, and that his staffers be allowed family leave. For those of you keeping score at home, Ryan just insisted that he and the people who work for him get paid leave, but he still believes that if you need to take some time off to tend to personal matters, you should just quit your job and stop asking to get paid for work you’re not doing, bub.
WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.
November
Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.
Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. It went well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”
Women just aren’t feeling it
The makers of Addyi, the female libido enhancer, said their drug had been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier in the year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.
December
GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.
It worked for defending marriage
A group of House Republicans introduced a bill declaring support for Christmas. This was seen by many as a direct response to the ongoing war on the cherished Christian holiday. It’s clear that in a country where the federal government gets the holiday off, there’s Christmas tree outside the White House, and every single commercial on TV for three months is about buying gifts, that Christians are an oppressed minority.
A taste of justice
Martin Shkreli, the Turing pharmaceutical CEO who raised the price of a popular cancer drug by 4000% earlier this year, putting the lives of millions in danger, was arrested on fraud charges, and was forced to resign from his position at Turing. There’s no punchline for this, I just wanted to end the year on a high note.
